God Can See Us Through!

It IS scary, sort of like jumping off a plane, knowing your paracute is the only thing you have to keep you from splatting on the ground . But if the plane is headed for disaster, what do you do? Stay with absolute, certain catastrophe? Or trust the ‘chute?

My husband was sick with a heart condition. We had NO idea, whatsoever, when he had his first heart attack. He merely said, “It’s not my heart; I think I have what Walter[a friend] had.” I dismissed my alarm bells, the ones that sounded like a siren saying, “Take him to the hospital!”

The next day, he collapsed in the clinic office, in front of our then 13-yr. old. He lost 1/4 of his heart muscle. The incident changed our lives forever. It was difficult to deal with the fact of his new disability. He couldn’t do the things he wanted. Couldn’t do the things we needed him to do. But he tried.

He went into a serious depression; so did I. We had three children at home ages 13, 12, and 10. He didn’t want to die in front of us. So he tried to distance himself from me. He tried to drive me away by his untractable temper. I nearly left.

But how? How do you leave when your heart belongs with your mate? No matter what he did, I couldn’t leave. He wasn’t abusive at all. Just very hard to get along with at that time. Perhaps he realized that I was with him for the long haul. Perhaps he realized that separation for the reason he wanted it was wrong. That regardless of our residence, it would not get any easier for me or for the kids by leaving or chasing us away. Anyway, harmony returned to our home.

There were a few more heart attacks. In and out of the hospital became almost routine, as perverted as that sounds. We were at peace, though, even in the middle of one of Daddy’s trips to the hospital. We knew Dad would come home.

One night, we were in town. My husband asked me the question I didn’t want to discuss: The Reality of Death. He said, “Is it selfish of me to want to go home?” My breath stuck in my throat. He asked a legitimate question. Deserved a straight answer. The answer as it came to me satisfied both of our hearts’ cries.

Of course, the desire of my heart was for him to stay. But any desire of mine, that doesn’t correspond to God's will, is selfishness. And that is where the trouble is. Selfishness. To get that out of the way, is to say Not my will, but Your will. Submission. In the face of disaster, submit. In the deepest trial, submit. In the worst anguish, submit. This is the lesson I learned that night. It carried me through the next few weeks, through his death, funeral, and through many changes in the lives of my kids and myself.

When he died, at home with all three of our kids and me there, I saw that something was wrong. I asked him, What's wrong? Are you alright? He replied, “I'll be okay,” and then he died. But, praise the Lord, he is in heaven, and we’ll see him soon, when the Lord returns. Meanwhile, the Lord took me and the three kids through the dark hours of grief, with his love so close, so personal, so “there”. He took us from our tiny little 23 ft. trailer to a mobile home. Gave me a car, because my husband’s truck, our only vehicle, had also “died” 2 days before my husband. Gave me a job, and took us off AFDC.

He provided for all - ALL! - of our needs, and then some. He provides abundantly! I am so totally amazed at what He has done with us and for us that it seems like a dream sometimes. But even without all that God has provided materially, the one thing that He has provided spiritually is enough. I don’t need all the material things. I can live anywhere. (Because I have, and so have our kids). The most important thing He has given us is His Son, Jesus, who took my nature so I could take His. Amazing!

It’s enough knowing that He loves us that much. It’s enough to know that the sting of death was removed for us by Jesus. We don’t have to suffer what we deserve, because He paid it all.

From our Heartlight Forum page—testimony of faith!