Fenter Friends and Family - Update 3

February 6, 1997

We are going to radiation every day. Our planned strategy of "purposeful denial" is getting harder. Gail's speech, though still good, is increasingly more labored. Her headaches are more frequent and her energy level lower. We don't know if this is due to the cumulative effect of the radiation (probably) or the reoccurrence of the tumor. Both have the same symptoms.

Gail works most of every day. (She is an assistant city attorney.) She is an amazing person. Though we both have trouble sleeping at times (it's presently 4 a.m.), her spirit remains strong. There is literally a glow about her, a luminescence which invariably causes comment. This radiance is not something which she manufactures for public consumption. It wells up from her genuine goodness, an overflow of deep faith.

I went to Abilene this week to do some library work for some classes which I am presenting at the ACU Lectureship. Gail called and arranged for John Featherston to meet me in Abilene. I did little library work; in effect none. But I'm probably better prepared now than I would have been buried in "just one more resource."

I've been feeling as if I'm losing my life. Only Gail has shared everything with me. Who will know about our blissful days in Raton (or our fears)? The frozen moments of memory, immediately animated with just a look between the two of us, will they ever be alive again if she is dead? No one but the two of us experienced the lightning storm of 1981. If I lose her, did it happen? It's the old conundrum: if a tree falls in the wilderness but no one hears it, did it fall?

John's friendship spans our college life, our years in Raton, San Antonio and Midland. Gail knew that he would affirm to me that, even if no one else heard the tree fall, at least they knew it was once up..., and now is down.

His grief is as real as mine. Unavoidable and wasting. But it is not mine. It is his. Mine is mine.

We finish with radiation, a routine which daily reminds us that something is very wrong, on Valentine's Day, February 14. We're looking forward to this always-special-to-us date. But enough sleepless, maudlin early hours thoughts.

Later on Friday, February 14, we're headed for Sing Song at ACU. Gail, Marta and Rachel and I are looking forward to seeing many friends and family there including the Skow clan, Barry and Karen Alexander and Phil and Gaye Bailey. If you're going to be there, too, we'll be staying at the Embassy Suites. Our tickets are for the Saturday afternoon show.

Randy Fenter